Lain (wiredslave) wrote,

somehow livejournal was built for emo

I guess I'm using other services to update on other news, and keeping livejournal for stuff close to my heart. I've had this account longer than five years, maybe that's why. As of September seventh this year, my father will be five years away from me. It is the most terrifying thought in the world to me, how much farther it keeps becoming. I just looked at my wall, and almost everything on it was from after he died. I can't bare how much has changed when I look around. I enjoy my life so much right now. I have amazing friends, amazing times, everything feels in so much progression. One of his best friends has become one of my best friends. I've begun collecting stories from friends of his of their favourite times with him, but somehow he still keeps feeling farther and farther away. I try to recall memories, any solid memories, and there just aren't anymore. There's lots of scattered memories, tons of bits and pieces throughout the years, but in the end it all blurs together in one giant blob of everything that's left of him in my mind. I want more of him, I want to talk to my father so badly right now, and it's been a long time since I've had an urge quite this strong. It's become nearly impossible for me to cry as of late, no matter how upset I feel, this is a rare occasion that quite so many tears are brought on. So maybe I'm crying for something... but it's impossible for what I'd like the most. Though if he were actually here, who knows who I'd be today.

I guess I'll end this with a message for my father: I love you. I'm sorry that I was ever so terrible to you, but I guess that's just how stupid children are when they don't realize how much you really care. I get so jealous and mad at myself every time I see any friend mad at a parent anymore.. And it's thanks to all of this that I finally understand mom so much more now. Thank you so much for the amazing times... I hope your spirit is traveling well...
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