Lain (wiredslave) wrote,

lost faith.

I'm making this post because things that used to be very personal to me often no longer seem so any more. Vise versa, things that I never noticed before have come to light in ways that I never believed possible, and I don't know what to think or who to turn to as of now, so I guess I'll just make this post for the internet as a whole. Being with Celeste has fundamentally changed me. Before Celeste, I was often by myself, I had an image of this solo cute girl that everyone loves, or at least that's how I felt. There was always the non solo part of me, with Jason, whom I love and have cared deeply for, though being polyamorous, and always putting my friends and others at a high priority, I believe I still had a fairly solo image, which attracted many people towards me, in many ways.

In being with Celeste, several things have changed about me. The first happens with any new relationship, that Celeste and I have practically a merged identity now, it kind of feels. When people think of me, they automatically think of Celeste too. This happens a lot I find, with new folk together, the whole inseparable thing... and I like being that way with Celeste, although I must say that I do sometimes miss my single entity existence, and I'm kind of working towards re establishing this, though that doesn't mean I want to be apart from Celes, I'm sure that a fair portion of you understand what I mean by this.

The next thing that has changed, is how I see the world. I have become very jaded being in this relationship, and if you read this Celeste, don't think that this means I am unhappy with you in any way. Quite contrary, this has actually drawn me further to you, so don't expect that I will in any way ever be deterred from you. Since being with Celeste, I have had people that I have known for years now, whom many have been quite fond of me, knowing everything about me I felt there was to know, decide to stop associating with me. In the most extreme case, a very good friend of mine whom lives in the neighbourhood actually threatened to physically harm either Celeste or I if come across again. In less extreme cases, many times hanging out with friends, they will still refer to Celeste as "he." I correct them every time I feel that they may be unaware, though in the end, it often doesn't make any difference. There have been many other instances, where in general, I thought people were much better than I feel they're proving themselves to be. And when they attack her, I feel personally attacked myself. Not specifically because I'm with her, but because I'm witnessing a constant act of discrimination that I don't feel anyone should have to suffer. For those of you reading this that may have been a part of it, and perhaps not realized how offensive it is, the only way I can best suggest is to think of yourself as who you are, and imagine constantly being denied the acknowledgement of it, and if there's any way that you can relate to this, then maybe you'll understand. For those of you who may accidently say it here and there, or perhaps have no ill intentions of it, I understand there's that side of the case to, and I understand that it can be a mistake, or maybe just a difficult brain process, if you happen to see her and see masculine traits which you just connect things without really thinking about.

In the end of all this, I'm not asking for apologies. I'm making a statement about the things I've seen, and how they've affected me and changed me. I know many of us have much less obvious identity markers that may be important to us, and they may not be as prevalently discussed or thought of as gender. I'm asking for an effort towards change. I intend to make a difference in my lifetime, and I don't specifically know what that difference will be right now, but for now, I'm making an effort, I hope perhaps all of us will.
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